I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
