in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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