She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
