I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
