I didn't shave. On purpose
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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