the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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