The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
