whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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