If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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