a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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