My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
