I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
