hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
