I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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