The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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