My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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