Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
