How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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