my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
