Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
