I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
