she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
