Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
