Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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