You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize