Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
