I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
