I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
