You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
