I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize