My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
