I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize