if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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