Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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