I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
