i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
