just tell him i said nine months
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
