Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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