Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
