My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
