the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
