Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
