my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
