I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
