I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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