I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
