Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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