I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize