That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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