Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this beer tastes like vomit already
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
