Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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