im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
