I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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