I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
