the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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