how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
