I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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