The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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