If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
