Can Purell be used as lube?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
