Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
