FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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