So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
