Where is the hickey?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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