Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
