Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
