I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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