Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
