the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize