She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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