I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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