I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
