My boss' voice literally gives me gas
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
